Monday, January 3, 2011
Here we are, 2011
Another year passed by. There is no major changes in my life. Same old house, same old job, and same unfortunate, not happening lovelife.House: the longest to stay here is till end of this year.
Work: Still the same workload, plus a new area of jobscope, minus the committee crap this year. and new paint on the wall. my supervisor is still TBC. cant wait for April bonus. My aim this year is to leave the office on time as often as possible, and not late. Performance will be 2nd in the list.
Social: long time not attending to the club events. hopefully to join them this year, if i am still welcome there. not so many friends anymore, as most of them married and have kids to take care of.
Love: getting worst. havent spoke to each other for a month now. i just do not know what else to do. i intend to hurt him so that he know how hurt i am. it hurts so much, but i cannot pretend anymore and be nice to him when i'm actually bleeding inside. the marriage issue has been more often rised by the family members, especially this year my 3 younger cousins getting married. i cant even bear looking at my friends wedding photos in fb. its jealousy, i guess, for not having the happiness that they have. i cant even cry anymore. i must admit that this so-called 'love' is fading. i am still alone and none of us can provide any answer for questions asked. he is avoiding to make any promise. why? does that means he is not confident at all to deliver the promise? all i want to hear is that his convincing words that he will not fail me anymore. i want him to tell me that he has a well planned future at least for himself, if not for both of us (as i still need to take care of myself, financially). 6 years and he still cant even get a permanent job! for me he is not doing enough to be financially secured. which is the main reason i do not want to get engaged like what he wants. at this point of time, with his younger brothers married with children, and another younger sister soon to get married, he is already under pressure and should be desperate. A desperate person will try to get all means in every way to settle his need. but...he did not change. he remain the same. i am so confused. is he normal? cuz his actions does not tally with what a normal human being should react to such pressure. i mean, its suppose to be a great love story, sacrifice and patience will lead to a great happy ending. but its just not happening here. looks like he is not willing to face the world, for me. i tried to think of what has he done for me all these years, and its not much compared to what i have done for him. not even a proper birthday gift. (please take note, proper means expensive and impressive.) not even a simple thing like driving the car, my car! i am still his driver on our dates. dates? how many times we actually have dates? we met only 3 times in a year, at most. its a sad love story. why would i love a person like that? and suffer for 6 years! i am still giving him chances, no high hopes, but miracle does happen in real life love story, even in the sad ones.