i do not want to call him. i want him to call me. but i do not want to tell him that i want him to call me. so he didnt call. and i'm left alone, miserable.

Another year passed by. There is no major changes in my life. Same old house, same old job, and same unfortunate, not happening lovelife.

House: the longest to stay here is till end of this year.

Work: Still the same workload, plus a new area of jobscope, minus the committee crap this year. and new paint on the wall. my supervisor is still TBC. cant wait for April bonus. My aim this year is to leave the office on time as often as possible, and not late. Performance will be 2nd in the list.

Social: long time not attending to the club events. hopefully to join them this year, if i am still welcome there. not so many friends anymore, as most of them married and have kids to take care of.

Love: getting worst. havent spoke to each other for a month now. i just do not know what else to do. i intend to hurt him so that he know how hurt i am. it hurts so much, but i cannot pretend anymore and be nice to him when i'm actually bleeding inside. the marriage issue has been more often rised by the family members, especially this year my 3 younger cousins getting married. i cant even bear looking at my friends wedding photos in fb. its jealousy, i guess, for not having the happiness that they have. i cant even cry anymore. i must admit that this so-called 'love' is fading. i am still alone and none of us can provide any answer for questions asked. he is avoiding to make any promise. why? does that means he is not confident at all to deliver the promise? all i want to hear is that his convincing words that he will not fail me anymore. i want him to tell me that he has a well planned future at least for himself, if not for both of us (as i still need to take care of myself, financially). 6 years and he still cant even get a permanent job! for me he is not doing enough to be financially secured. which is the main reason i do not want to get engaged like what he wants. at this point of time, with his younger brothers married with children, and another younger sister soon to get married, he is already under pressure and should be desperate. A desperate person will try to get all means in every way to settle his need. but...he did not change. he remain the same. i am so confused. is he normal? cuz his actions does not tally with what a normal human being should react to such pressure. i mean, its suppose to be a great love story, sacrifice and patience will lead to a great happy ending. but its just not happening here. looks like he is not willing to face the world, for me. i tried to think of what has he done for me all these years, and its not much compared to what i have done for him. not even a proper birthday gift. (please take note, proper means expensive and impressive.) not even a simple thing like driving the car, my car! i am still his driver on our dates. dates? how many times we actually have dates? we met only 3 times in a year, at most. its a sad love story. why would i love a person like that? and suffer for 6 years! i am still giving him chances, no high hopes, but miracle does happen in real life love story, even in the sad ones.

it has been a while since i feel like writing in here. my job is keeping me busy nowadays. i've been there for 1 year and every day passing by becoming more challenging. i'm just not sure how to get the strength to keep going. every working day is a stressful day. sometimes spending weekends in the office as well. i feel so tired. i cannot cope with the workload anymore. only God knows how long i can hold on. the pay and colleagues is okay, but the workload and management is making everyone going insane. i think its time to seriously think of making desicions on my carier path, as the current experience is already so painful.

i remember when i was in the commitee during college, we are having hard time dealing with our principal. he is so choosy and perfectionist, and it is not easy to make him satisfied. now i realize that in real world there are more people worst than him. well, at least i have met 2 person like that in 2 different companies.

i'm not lucky in my love life either. waiting for nothing in almost 6 years. yes, i'm to afraid to loose everything that i've tried to build all this years. but its like pouring water in a full cup. useless. i'm getting bored now. he will not change no matter how hard i tried. its either his stupidity of not understanding my needs, or mine of trusting him too much when he is obviously incapable to solve his own problem. i heard people say that love does not need a reason. i can agree with that, because i really dont know why i loved him. but now because of love i'm so hurt. sometimes i feel like i'm hurting myself by being with him all these years. still alone and lonely. but if i leave him, i have nothing left. even now i'm not holding on his promises anymore, only hoping for a miracle. only a miracle can save us.

Ya Allah, please give me the strength that i need, and please show us the way if we are meant to be, but if we are not, then please keep him away from me. It is only You that listens and knowing what is the best for us. amin.

I'm not a fan of blog. Blogging is not my hobby. but i need a method to express my feelings n thoughts. but at times, i'm just too lazy to write.

I used to have a diary when I was in form 2. i wrote everything that i want, things that i dare not say out loud. happiness, frustrations, and all emotions that a little girl had in her life. i dont have many friends by that time, so that diary had been a place i express my problems. i'm not sure where it is now, i wish i have it with me now to remind me of the memories being in school and to realize how much i have grown (not much growth on size, though :P).

Blogging is not the same as keeping a diary. I'm learning the art of blogging. if a blog can keep busy and happy, then its worthwhile to spend some time on it. Btw, my colleague just asked me today if i can help her with our company's blog. company also want to blog ka...haiya. whatever.

this is a worm. a very annoying one. i've been trying to remove it for days but to no success. it keeps coming back. it sends weird messages to my YM list contacts. my contacts will surely feel annoyed with me. google did give some sort of solution, however i'm not clever enough to understand how to do it.

downloading AVG free version at the moment. trying to get a solution for this one:

After you remove the Malware using AVG Antivirus... You need to unlock the Task Manager and the Registery Editor
1. In the Run Dialog Type: gpedit.msc

2. TASK MANAGER
============
go to user configuration then Administrative Templates then System then Alt+Ctrl+Del Options double click Remove Task Manager at Right side window and set it to disabled

3. Registery Editor
============
go to user configuration then Administrative Templates then System then double click Prevent access to registert editing Tools at Right side window and set it to disabled

Just see how it goes. wish me luck. i just dont want to format my pc.

i dont think he understands what i need from him. i'm not even sure if he understands what love is. saying 'love' is not the same as showing love. he thougt by saying it to me everyday already enough to show his love. that is his problem. he knew it but yet and he do not want to share his problems with anybody. he would rather disturbing our friends (girl friends, to be more exact) with sms, mms. that is not something that i liked. i'm very bad at expressing my feeling to him because i do not want to tell him what to do for me. serious conversation will be very tense for us. i will keep quiet most of the time. since we have very limited chance to see each other, we had to disscuss everything over the phone. i dont know what to disscuss anymore. i will just keep complaining and he will keep apologising. nothing is improved since the past 3 years of relationship. deep inside my heart i hope he will change. but at the same time i might be fooling myself, knowing his attitude, what should i expect? i really need a miracle. time is flying fast. maybe i should reconsider this weird relationship. i am deeply stressed right now. this might be the hardest part of this relationship, which path would lead me to my own happiness or will it destroy everything i'm trying to built in 3 years. but i'm just too scared to make a decision. it has been a burden for me. i'm supposed to be happy but i'm not. what am i suppose to do? cry all night? i cant change him, so should i change myself?

its her fault. i'm trying to get enoungh sleep after my wasted holidays without enough sleep...and now she ruined my good nite sleep! i really heate her at times like this.! this is not the first time. there's been at least twice a week shes doing this. its getting on my nerves! the next time she's doing this again i'm going to shout to her to get out of my bedroom! I just want to sleep in my own bed...and now it became very hard even to get some sleep...ridiculous isnt it! now that i cant even close my eyes, i will not be in my best condition to work tomorrow. i've got so many important things to do tomorrow! hopefully she will not ruin my day tomorrow as well!

aylanin. 25. still searching for missing pieces in my life.

i wish he loves me. i wish he can proove that he loves me. i wish he wont make me wait this long. i wish he's here at my side.

where got tagboardlah...

www.myvians.com

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